My weight is at 175, 50 lbs lost, 35 to go. I probably should be more encouraged, I lost more than half of what I set out to, but I want it off as soon as possible. I set out a schedule in my day planner of what weight I should be at every week to get it all off by my 21st. If I can get it off before then, that'd be even better, but I dont know if that's possible. Next Wednesday I'm supposed to weigh in at 174, so I'm on track for that, I'll probably be under. I feel like it'll work out to where I'll end up losing more one week and less another week, but I want to make the numbers no matter what. I need to complete this project, it's been in the works for almost two years, well it will be two years in August. But in reality, this is a struggle I've been facing my whole life. I always settle for mediocre, being "Medium" sized. I dont want to be medium sized, I want to be small. When I hit 155, I will feel like I have achieved something good, being I haven't weighed that much in definately 10 years, maybe more. And that in itself is sad because 10 years ago I was 12. Ugh, I hate thinking about that. 20 lbs is usually a piece of cake for me, but we'll see how easy it actually is. I need to be good every SINGLE day, not just every other day, or mess up once a week, I have to be constantly good. I want him to look at me like he did when we first met, even though this is the weight I was, he's been out and seen the world, and the girl he dated was tiny. I dunno, I know he cares for me no matter what, but I just want to be small and hot and show everyone that I followed through on something and finally accomplish what it is I've always wanted.

One day at a time

Today was a good day, I wrote a paper for most of the morning-afternoon, and then took a shower and went to my boyfriends' parents house in the evening. We havent been able to stay the night at eachothers' places because he is housesitting for his parents and watching his siblings. I miss that. Tomorrow thankfully his time is up there. Today I ate cottage cheese and fat free yogert (250), Cinnamon bread (300), Pizza (720), & Raisin Bran (250) Total: 1520. Worse than yesterday. I still probably won't gain anything, its not enough over to have gained but not enough to lose. 1500 is probably what I will eat in maintence. I found out I was accepted to the apartment I applied and will be moving in at the end of April. There is so much to do between now and then, school, volunteering, finding a job, cleaning the current house I'm in, packing, planning what I'm going to do this summer (school? Work? Internship?) I just dont know. When I get stressed, I just sit back and remember how I felt earlier this year when I was aching over missing my boyfriend and having monumentally messed up. Nothing feels as terrible as that. This stuff I will get through and accomplish with ease if I take it one at a time, that was out of my hands and left to fate. That is what I need to see losing weight as, not only something that is in my hands, it's something that's ONLY in my hands and no one elses', and vital in my life in many ways. I really want to be a stick.

Kickoff

I did ok today, I had:
1 can vegetable soup (250), One tall non-fat no whip white mocha (250), twix (280), Nature Valley bar (150), Raviolis (500) TOTAL: 1430. I should have done without the twix and Nature Valley bar, then I would have been perfectly in range. There's always tomorrow. I want this so bad, Im getting impatient. I know that once I shed the rest of this weight, my life will be so much more at ease. I can relax about my looks ALOT more. I still will hate my nose, hate my chest, hate my teeth, but the main thing I've always been devistated by is my weight, and I can never seem to get rid of it all. 37 lbs...I've lost 43 already so it's obviously doable. Im frusterated, and Im going to lose my boyfriend and my patience if I dont do this by my birthday, that was my goal, this is something I am trying to prove to him to prove that I've changed and can stick to my goals. I WILL do this at any cost, mark my words.

My weight's at about 177, I went up to 181 this week, and now I'm going back down. My boyfriend made a comment to me last night, something like "How's the weightloss going? I havent heard any updates lately" which I know means he can tell I'm not losing. I need to stop thinking I can eat the same things as he can. I really want to be skinny, I totally had a breakdown last night about it. It feels as if I've come so far, but Im stuck at this plateu... Today I've been good, I had one can of Vegetable soup (250) a piece of bread (85) and a diet cherry coke (0). I need to bump up the work out too, I've been spolied, I lost most of this weight on diet alone, but something tells me I'm not gonna be able to do that for this last 37. I think starting Monday I'm gonna try and hit the gym three days a week, even if that means I have to go alone. This needs to be done, and my goal has always been to be at 140 by my 21st birthday. That means I have to lose 2.8 lbs a week which means I need to be ULTRA good and not mess up.

Reconstruction

So it's time for me to change some things in my life. I'm unhappy in my living situation and I think it's time to move on to greener pastures. I'm serously consitering moving into a one bedroom apartment and out of my three bedroom house. I live with two girls who I was close with, but have been having problems with since my boyfriend and I got back together. They, one in particular, dont like all the time I'm spending away from them, not drinking and partying as much and instead hanging out with him. I'm pretty much sick of my decisions and actions being judged, and sick of the constant loud parties being held at my house, and need to break away from that last part of highschool that's still hanging on. Even if I need to be alone for awhile, even if things with my boyfriend don't work out, I cant be in this enviornment any longer, it's just not working for me. I need to feel grown up, and drama prevents me from feeling that way.

I need to really throw myself into school too, it's too important to let hang by the wayside and half ass. That is what I need to put my energy to for the rest of the semester.

I need to go ahead and lose the rest of this weight. It's time and it'll help give me something else to focus on as well as make me feel better about myself and my life.

Costco Muffins

Costco muffins are the devils work. They are so good, would you believe one of those suckers has 670 calories in it?! After injesting one, I found this out, that's more than half of my alloted calories for the day. Besides that I ate a handfull of choclate chips and half a cheese enchalada. I'm estimating that puts be at about 1100 calories. That means I can have some fruit or something when I get home, but not much more. I went grocery shopping today with my boyfriend at Costco. I love that place because you really do get your money's worth, and I havent found better produce anywhere else. I know I do better staying on track when I actually have food in the house. Im in a pretty down mood today, I had a pretty unpleasant conversation with my boyfriend today, things just arent the same as before, I have a lot more feelings for him than he does for me...more specifically, he does not love me anymore. This is why we are dating, because he's trying to figure out whether or not he will ever be able to fall in love with me again.

Why does this equate in my mind as a need to lose weight? Why is it that my opinion is still that if I'm skinny it will solve all my problems? Perhaps this is because I've never been skinny, and I see it as some unreachable light at the end of the tunnel, that will somehow make me more worthwile of a person, more loveable, more valuable...Am I alone on this? If someone were to tell me that was the way they felt, I'd look at them with disgust and ask them where they left their self worth, but the sad truth is this is how I feel. I'm very good at convincing myself of things, and I'm pretty set on the fact that he, or anyone else will not love me until I'm skinny. And I don't blame them, I dont love myself right now much either.

A little about me

To me, a diet should have always been an everyday thing. Cursed with a slow metabolism since birth, I've always ranged from a little bit to a lot heavier than other people my age. Now this isn't completely to blame on jeans, my Italian appetite can tend to get the best of me, a lot of the time. Growing up, I ate a lot, and my parents would feed me whenever I asked thinking "A four year old wouldnt lie about being hungry", not realizing I was eating out of boredom and because it tasted good. In the third grade I was 130 lbs which was a ton for my 5'5 frame. I was and always have been very self consious about my body no matter what my weight at the moment, stemming I think from this time period. Going into my freshman year of highschool, I lost about 30 lbs, leaving me to teeter around 160-180, where I stayed for the entirety of my highschool career. College however was a whole new ballgame. My freshman year of college I had my first serious boyfriend; my first love. Feeling loved, in combination with not living at home, eating cafateria, and drinking resulted in an astonishing 60 lb weight gain. This left me at 220 lbs, and desperately unhappy. Eventually, I got fed up enough where the idea of losing the weight was the only option, yet losing the 80 lbs I knew I had to seemed impossible.

I started trying a year ago, and since then I have lost 45 lbs. It has been complete torture, and had it's ups and downs. This was especially hard for me when I broke up with my boyfriend, wanted nothing to do with him to be single and then 6 months later realized I'd made a huge mistake while he was dating someone else. I only tell you this because eventually after 4 months, I convinced him to give me another chance and, now we are back together, which puts my weightloss in jepordy if I follow the same pattern as last time. I find myself struggling with dieting lately, because along with having a relationship, comes dinners, parties, etc.

I have an extremely unhealthy attitude about food, when I do overeat, I feel terrible about it the whole day. It consumes my thoughts, and makes me feel discouraged and defeated. My attitude about myself does connect with my weight, I hate reading what I wrote just then, but it's absolutly true. I know the solution is to not overeat, and am trying to get back on track so I can stop feeling this way. I will not be happy until I have lost the 40 lbs I have left to lose. I had a diet blog before and I'm hoping it will help me get back on track as it did in the beginning. I'd love to read others thoughts and share in the struggle that is weightloss.

Starting Weight: 220
Current Weight: 178
Goal Weight: 140